We have a reusable advent calendar made of fabric, because we’re middle-class. Last year we filled it with jokes that K. and I wrote ourselves. They’re mostly of a standard you might find in a Christmas cracker, if the Christmas cracker was put together by someone made giggly by nitrous oxide.
This year we’re doing something different, so we had to empty out all of last year’s joke slips. In order to preserve them for posterity, it makes sense to share them here as a gift to you all for this year’s advent.
- What do people from Norfolk pour on their Christmas pudding when they’ve moved to Tunbridge Wells? Diss Custard.
- What do you call a polar bear with earmuffs on? Anything you like: he won’t come.
- Santa Claus decided to get dressed up smartly for his trips down chimneys this year. He thought he’d wear his best soot for a change.
- Which tax-avoiding communications multinational are we boycotting this year? Snowdafone.
- What do you find badgers at a Christmas party? Brockin’ around the Christmas tree.
- What do they call a snowman in Wales? Jones the Snow.
- What did the insecure drummer boy keep asking? “Does my pa-rum-pa-pum-pum look big in this?”
- What did the villagers say when the Midwich Cuckoos came at Christmas time? “Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow! We’ll find it hard to sleep tonight.”
- What do you first encounter if you stagger, drunk as a skunk, into the Snowman Hotel? A Frosty reception.
- What did Dougal say to Hamish on a Christmas I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue? “Yule have had your tea, then.”
- Rudolph’s recent foray into the world of performance poetry went well. Every night he really sleighed the crowd.
- What do sea urchins sing at Christmas? Corals.
- What’s a comedian’s favourite Christmas song? Jongleurs Bells.
- How do they grit the roads in Fairy land? With icing sugar.
- What did the teacher say when she saw the “gifted and talented” class drunk on Christmas sherry? “All is calm; all is terribly bright.”
- Where does Lonnie Donegan go skating on the cheap? At the rinky-dinky rink.
- Who delivers presents to budding young cartoonists at Christmas? Santa Draws.
- My auntie Mary drank so much when she moved to Spain, they named a liqueur after her. It’s called Tia Maria.
- How do Christmas trees keep warm? Fir coats.
- Why does making the Christmas pudding cause family arguments? Because everybody just keeps stirring.
- If Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrated Christmas, what aspect of their doctrinal beliefs would they sing about? “No hell.”
- Why do the Irish love the very start of a Christmas meal? They just can’t get enough of the craic.
- What shows do hopeful voluntary initiatives perform for local councils at Christmas? Grantomimes.
- What does one swan offer to another on the Windrush at Christmas? Best fishes of the season.
Be kind to each other this Christmas, but especially to us, about our jokes; we’re not exactly professional comedians.